F$!k love.

Relationships are crazy. Apparently I forgot about all the drama they can entail. It's not pretty, nor is it any fun. What do you do when you've given up your entire life for someone you love and then once you're with them you're constantly treated like shit? Especially because that person can't deal with their issues and is too insecure to act like an adult when the situation warrants it. At the moment I don't know why I thought being with someone would be so great, 'cause I feel like the world's biggest loser right now. Is this really what love is?

Love. Well, I thought we were in love, but would the person who loves you tell you you're a piece of shit, disgusting human being if they really cared for you? Something inside tells me no. A sick, twisted part of me almost liked the idea of a drama filled, fight til' you're blue in the face type of union, but as it's actually coming into fruition, that is so not what I want or need. I've dealt with enough bullshit in my 23 years and I really don't want to deal with anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over shit and man up. I am not saying sorry for my past. It's in the past, that's where it stays, so deal with it.

I guess real life is no fairy tale, but I thought the beginnings of relationships were supposed to be fun and care-free? All I've got so far is blame, called every name in the book and yelled at for insignificant bullshit that at the end of the day doesn't even matter. I don't understand how someone can be so temperamental. I could say maybe it's because of the weed or just a lack of self confidence. I really don't know for sure, but all I do know is that I'm not going to put up with this shit for much longer.

I think I've been doing pretty good so far on my end. I clean our apartment, I cook, I'm more than considerate. I guess it all falls by the way side if I'm not holding a fucking 6-pack or a joint in my hand. Belittle me some more, I dare you. Let's see where you'll end up. I didn't expect to be treated like a piece of shit on the daily, with no sense of remorse or empathy. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I'm just really fucking sick of the snide comments and hurtful jokes that seem funny in the moment, but really cut to the core. Is this what I deserve? I haven't had luck in the past with relationships, which is why I chose to stay away from them. I don't know if this will get any better, or just continue to be what it is- a fucking pain in the ass.

I just really hope things smooth out, and stay that way. Though I doubt that will happen. I just want my life to come together. I have one year left of school and I found a program I actually like and it's here in BC, and if I can manage to save up enough and actually do it, I'll have one less thing hanging over my head. I'm sick of staying in this tiny apartment watching movies all day and night. I need to get some kind of life back. If only for the distraction from what is surely becoming my shitty reality. I guess this is where I say, “not if I can help it”. But can I? It really seems like my opinions about anything don't matter anymore. It's like I'm just here for amusement when needed. I really don't feel like this is something I can endure for much longer. I guess we'll see what happens.