Calm after the (shit) storm

I'd say I'm in a much better mood than when I last wrote. I was fuming as I typed, fingers punching the keys like they were a punching bag. I hate fighting with people about something I can't control. When the issue is in the past and you can't change it, what can you do? A whole bunch of nothing, really.

Things seem to be back to normal. Sort of. I'm sure it will just take some time. I guess if I found out something I didn't like about someone I love I would be unsettled, too. It's just really pointless in my opinion. The whole situation doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same person, though his opinion of me is probably becoming less and less. Though I would think if he really loved me none of that would matter. I shouldn't be judged or talked down to because of my past.

The past, the past the fucking past. Who cares? Why let it get in the way of things? Let go of your issues and move on. Live for today and maybe tomorrow. That's what I'm trying to do. I have things to look forward to, a new job, a new school, a new city. I don't want his negativity to hinder my growth and ability to look at things in my usually overly-optimistic manner. I know at times I'm too worry-free, but why be stressed over things when you don't have to be? Life is short, do what you want and have fun.

Aside from the fighting, things have been going pretty well here. We've developed this routine of having supper and watching Dexter on Netflix every night. We've been out with his friends once so far, which was really fun. Apart from the fact that he tried to blame it on me that we went out when we couldn't really afford it. Either way, I'm in love with downtown Vancouver. Granville street reminds me of Times Square with all the people and bright lights.

So far in comparison with Winnipeg I'd say Vancouver wins top spot for better city. For starters, it's beautiful here. Everytime I see the mountains, I'm mesmerized. I could stare at them for hours. The weather is nice, though it's mostly rain, I'd rather deal with that than below freezing temperatures. Transit is way better. Buses come at faster intervals and the skytrain is awesome. It seems everywhere is only a few minutes away. Also, there's more to do. I can't wait until summer when we can bike and go camping and hiking. Not to mention swimming in the ocean! That's one thing that will be finally checked off my bucket list.

I'm sure as the days go by things will continue to get better. I'll feel more secure once I find a job and start saving for school. I also can't wait to make our place even more of a home, buying art for the walls, an actual dresser so I don't have to live out of a suitcase and a little kitchen table so we can have a proper sit down dinner. The little things are what make life interesting. Let's hope it never gets boring.

F$!k love.

Relationships are crazy. Apparently I forgot about all the drama they can entail. It's not pretty, nor is it any fun. What do you do when you've given up your entire life for someone you love and then once you're with them you're constantly treated like shit? Especially because that person can't deal with their issues and is too insecure to act like an adult when the situation warrants it. At the moment I don't know why I thought being with someone would be so great, 'cause I feel like the world's biggest loser right now. Is this really what love is?

Love. Well, I thought we were in love, but would the person who loves you tell you you're a piece of shit, disgusting human being if they really cared for you? Something inside tells me no. A sick, twisted part of me almost liked the idea of a drama filled, fight til' you're blue in the face type of union, but as it's actually coming into fruition, that is so not what I want or need. I've dealt with enough bullshit in my 23 years and I really don't want to deal with anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over shit and man up. I am not saying sorry for my past. It's in the past, that's where it stays, so deal with it.

I guess real life is no fairy tale, but I thought the beginnings of relationships were supposed to be fun and care-free? All I've got so far is blame, called every name in the book and yelled at for insignificant bullshit that at the end of the day doesn't even matter. I don't understand how someone can be so temperamental. I could say maybe it's because of the weed or just a lack of self confidence. I really don't know for sure, but all I do know is that I'm not going to put up with this shit for much longer.

I think I've been doing pretty good so far on my end. I clean our apartment, I cook, I'm more than considerate. I guess it all falls by the way side if I'm not holding a fucking 6-pack or a joint in my hand. Belittle me some more, I dare you. Let's see where you'll end up. I didn't expect to be treated like a piece of shit on the daily, with no sense of remorse or empathy. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I'm just really fucking sick of the snide comments and hurtful jokes that seem funny in the moment, but really cut to the core. Is this what I deserve? I haven't had luck in the past with relationships, which is why I chose to stay away from them. I don't know if this will get any better, or just continue to be what it is- a fucking pain in the ass.

I just really hope things smooth out, and stay that way. Though I doubt that will happen. I just want my life to come together. I have one year left of school and I found a program I actually like and it's here in BC, and if I can manage to save up enough and actually do it, I'll have one less thing hanging over my head. I'm sick of staying in this tiny apartment watching movies all day and night. I need to get some kind of life back. If only for the distraction from what is surely becoming my shitty reality. I guess this is where I say, “not if I can help it”. But can I? It really seems like my opinions about anything don't matter anymore. It's like I'm just here for amusement when needed. I really don't feel like this is something I can endure for much longer. I guess we'll see what happens.

Very hopeful for Vancouver

I officially made it to Vancouver! Right now I'm sitting in the bus depot across from the McDonald's so I can use their wifi while I wait for my love to meet me. I really need a shower, sitting on the bus for over 30 hours is not ideal. But I'm here nonetheless!

Here are a couple of posts I wrote right before I left and while I was on my way here. I had to do something to pass the time.

Sunday Night:

I'm so anxious it's driving me crazy! I'm leaving for BC tomorrow night and I could not be more excited but so effing nervous! I hope everything works out but I keep thinking stupid thoughts like something will go wrong. I'm sure everything will be fine, I just wanna get there already! I miss Brock so much it's ridiculous! I can't wait to see his face and kiss him like crazy! I can't believe we get to be together everyday soon. It's really kind of surreal. I hope everything works out. I can do nothing but hope for the best at this point. I'm sure it will be amazing. I keep thinking about our place and what it's gonna be like to live with him. It's not gonna feel real until I find a job and have a real routine going. It will just be like I'm on vacation until then probably. Love that I get to wake up with him everyday. I'm so anxious I can't sleep. but the sooner I do, the sooner I get to leave.

Tuesday Afternoon:

Wow, I just went through an old journal of mine from 2010 while I was still depressed. It was really sad. I'm glad I'm doing better now. I can't believe I'm on my way to BC right now about to start a "new life" with Brock. In a thousand years I never would've guessed this would happen. I'm excited but also nervous (seems to be a trending topic) about a lot of things. For example, what if I can't find a job right away? What if I can't afford to go back to school? What if we start fighting and it doesn't work out? I know these are all just what ifs, though they come from a real place.

I cried so hard after saying goodbye to my mom. I hate goodbyes. I guess it all just hit me at once that I was actually leaving everyone behind. It's going to be a big change for me. Though I'm hoping it'll be a great one. The bus is 100 km from Calgary (written on my iPod) right now, which is about half way there. I can't wait to see the mountains! I pretty much slept through all of Saskatchewan, not much to look at. I hate staying on the bus this long. If I wasn't so poor I'd be on a plane right now.

I just hope everything works out. I miss everyone already. I wonder if I'll get homesick when I'm there? I'm sure I will. I've never been this far away from my family or friends for so long. I'm sure it will be okay. I just get nervous thinking about and being on a bus for so long does not help with the impatience. Oh well, c'est la vie.

So I survived the horrendously long bus ride, and now I wait, again at the bus depot in downtown Vancouver. If I wanted to I'm sure I could find my way to our apartment, but I need help with all my stuff, unless I took a cab which, who are we kidding, I am way too cheap to pay for. According to the translink website it's only about 30 minutes from here. I'll just wait until Brock gets here. 4 pm. About 2 and half hours to go. I'm on mountain time now! Regardless of the time, I wasn't kidding about the shower thing. I am in desperate need of one. Travelling by bus is not ideal. Sleeping wasn't easy to get used to the first night, but the second day I napped and lastnight I fell asleep rather easily. It was gorgeous looking at the mountains underneath the full moonlight. It was breathtaking. I'm sure a couple people on the bus heard me mutter "wow" to myself a few times. I could stare at them all day, I don't think it would get old to me. I am after all, a prairie girl at heart. However, my heart is in the west. I hope it stays here for a while. I really like it so far, though it's only been a few hours.

A new chapter: starry-eyed and BC bound

All of a sudden I have this profound feeling of optimism. It's as if my life suddenly has a purpose again. I feel like I can accomplish anything. Life is good. 

I am in the midst of starting a new chapter, somewhere new, with someone familiar. I am so excited yet nervous, also. I hope when I get to BC things will work out how we have planned. I'm sure things will be amazing. 

I have these constant thoughts swirling in my head about what I'll do when I get there, where will I go to finish school. I'm really hoping to get into this journalism program at Kwantlen Tech. My passion for writing and telling the world important stories has not left me. I still hope to accomplish all that I set out to do so long ago. Maybe I will find an internship or a position at The Vancouver Sun, or another equally significant newspaper. It's always been my dream, and I do love interviewing and reporting. I can't wait to find out what lies ahead and hopefully find some new opportunities. 

I know I haven't written in a while, so this might be a long one. I think I will sleep better once all my thoughts are written down. I can't forget the power of self expression. It always helps to get things out into the open. 

There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. The decision to move two provinces away from everything I've come to know sounds really intimidating. I think the hardest part will be saying goodbye to everyone. I'm nervous but so confident that it will be for the best. If not now, then when? You only live once. Every time I would weigh my options, the decision to go always won. It's what I'm looking forward to and it's where my heart belongs. 

I imagine my life taking shape the way it was meant to. It feels great. Though in reality I'm not currently making enough money and I'm not in any classes, that's okay because I know things can only get better from here. I'll finally get to be with the one I love, live somewhere near the ocean that isn't -20 degrees right now, and just start fresh. There's no better feeling than knowing life will actually be okay. 

On this day 21 years ago, my baby sister was born. For me. My mom didn't want me to grow up lonely. I'm so glad she's here. I love her so much and will probably miss her the most when I leave. She's one of the only people I tell everything to, and feel safe knowing there's never any judgment. I know we will still talk, but hopefully we stay close. That's one thing I'll truly miss is that I won't really have that girl time anymore. Maybe we'll just have to have awesome skype dates. 

I'm writing this on my iPod laying in bed, waiting for sleep to take me over. I'm wide awake and ready to fly at this very moment, but for now I wait until the new chapter really begins. I hope it leads to an amazing story that I'll be proud to call my life. 

Xoxo

The Power of Love

I think I'm going crazy. Either that or I'm actually in a real, loving relationship. It's actually the latter, which to me, is amazing.

Saturday will mark two months that I've been with my "West Coast Wonder". So far I don't really have any complaints- except I could do without the pointless arguments, and the distance. I know every couple has their moments, I'm just excited that ours will soon be together. I'm moving to B.C.!

I know, it seems way too fast, and maybe we are getting ahead of ourselves, but it just feels right. I hope it all works out. I'm planning on leaving at the end of January. I'm really excited. On the other hand, I'm really freaked out.

I went to visit last month for five days. It was amazing! If our little vacation is any indication of how living together will be, I think we have nothing to worry about. However, I've never been in such a serious relationship. We've even started throwing around the words 'forever' and 'babies' and 'marriage'. We are only 23, we have so much time to do all those things, but it is romantic when you hear those words from the one you love. I guess we won't know unless we try.

I'm honestly so excited. But then sometimes I think, maybe this is all too good to be true. How can someone love me that much? I guess I never thought I would find this happiness with someone else. Ever. Or at least not until I was way past the point of caring.

I keep fantasizing about our future together. Even uttering the words "our future together" still baffles me. I know I'm young but I was starting to get cynical and bitter. I lived the single life thinking it was all I had. And then bam! One day things turn around. It is really comforting to know I have someone to rely on. Even though he's far away at the moment, I'm glad I have him to confide in. I hope living together will be a fun as I keep imagining.

I can't believe I'm moving across the country to be with a guy. I never thought I would be the type. I thought I was this independent woman who didn't need a guy to validate my life, which I don't think I do at all, but I'm just so into this it's not even funny. I've always wanted to live somewhere different, especially by the ocean. Why not take every opportunity I have? I'm sure I'll miss my friends and family, but that's what vacation is for!

I just really hope everything works out. If not, that would be a really big let down. I feel pretty optimistic about it, though at this point it's all just talk. It's good talk though. In two months it will be a whole other story. I wouldn't consider rearranging my entire life if I didn't think he was worth it. Oh, the things I'll do for love.

Life is what you make it

I know the title to this is pretty cliche, but it's also true.

I was having birthday dinner at my mom's place the other night and the conversation quickly took a serious note, and was kind of inspirational.

After noticing that my sister didn't look very happy, 'cause let's face it she never really does, my mom just had to comment, "What's wrong? You don't look very happy. You seem like you're always unimpressed." Which my sister replied, "Why is everybody asking me that?"

Well, sis, maybe because it's true. She just never seems to have a genuine smile on her face these days.

So, after my mom made my sister cry unintentionally, she went on to say that if there's something about your life you don't like, change it. You're the only one in control of your own destiny. I'm not really a fan of the word destiny. It just seems too wishy-washy and corny. But either way you spin it, I think she's right about that. Life is what we make it, and no one else can change it for us.

I've always been a big believer in trusting only yourself. I've had too many experiences where I've been let down by others and I've seen others get let down. Relying on yourself is important. However, I have begun to trust others more lately, which is a great feeling knowing you can rely on someone else and there's a real honesty coming from them. It's not very common these days, but it's great when you do find it.

There's a quote from Ghandi that I love which reminds me of a great friend who herself is an activist and is always looking for positive change:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

I think it really is that simple. If you want to see change, you have to make it happen. No one else is going to do it for you. You shouldn't just sit around waiting for someone else to do something. It's the worst thing you could do. In my experience it only leaves you bitter and more apathetic. Complaining about your life will only get you so far. Sure I could complain about things, but what's the point? I know it's only going to be undesirable for that moment. Things can quickly change in the blink of an eye if you want them to.

A year ago today I was probably in the worst shape of my life both mentally and physically. I let myself waste away to almost nothing, I was frenzied with negative thoughts and was drowning in a sea of depression. I thought just because I failed at school and in another relationship that I failed at life. Which is so not the case. Plans were made to be broken. And so they crumbled all around me. I was left with what felt like nothing to start over. Little did I know, there are other options in life.

Luckily I have an amazing support system of family and friends who carried me through that time. I don't know where I would be without them. I love them for that so much. I'm so grateful to have people around me who will help me no matter what happens. That's a great feeling to have. I think it's true that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb your way back to the top. I'm still climbing but I feel closer than I've been in a long time.

Sure things aren't perfect at this precise moment, but I believe they are exactly as they should be. I can only see things getting better from here on out. I look forward to my future, whatever it may bring and I am so glad to be where I am today.

Life really is what you make it. To me, life is sweet. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Turkey Day everyone! I hope everyone is at home enjoying the comforts of good food and family.

This is the part of the year where we are all supposed to reflect upon our lives and what we are thankful for. Right now, I'm thankful for mainly three things: health, family and friends. Not to mention all the love I've been fortunate to receive lately. Which reminds me, I'm officially in a relationship. Wow...

The "west coast wonder" if he could be so named, is now my boyfriend. Again. Crazy how life works isn't it? Who would've thought I'd end up here? Not me, that's for sure. Though I have to say, so far it feels great.

This is my first long-distance relationship. I've never experienced being so far away from someone, yet feeling so close to them at the same time. I can't wait until we get to remove the space between us...it's gonna be crazy. But I'm so excited! I think if we both want it to work, it will. Sometimes, I can't believe my life.

It might seem like it's all been moving too fast, but it feels right to us, I guess. Why not go for it? I just hope when we actually get together it's as good as we are making it out to be. We've been building the whole occasion up so much that it has to be nothing short than amazing at this point. I think it will be.

I just can't wait to get away for a while. It'll be nice to go somewhere different. I keep imagining different scenarios in my head. I picture us going out to dinner, to a club, walking near the ocean, or just hanging around his place... It's probably nothing like what I think it is. I hope it's even better. It'll be nice to explore some place new with someone familiar... I miss him more and more everyday.

The other scary part is, we love each other. I wasn't used to this at first. Just hearing those words was so foreign to me that I felt a little awkward. But now it's like, okay this is what it feels like, I remember this. I just can't believe how crazy he is about me...I knew he used to be, and apparently the fire hasn't died... It seems so surreal. I missed the attention, don't get me wrong, I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth it. It's been a long lonely road. I'm glad I finally have someone to share it with.

I really wish we could share the holiday weekend together, but we'll just have to make it up later. I hope he knows that I'm thankful for him, and that I love him too.