hot and humid romance

It's the middle of summer and things are going relatively okay. Aside from not having a job, I miraculously started seeing someone. I'm afraid to say it's going pretty well so far but this is still so new. I wonder if it will turn into anything? I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I'm hoping things will all work out. My main concern is not having enough money to go back to school this fall. I have to go back though. I'd rather not stay in Portage another year, and I don't want to start paying back student loans. I'm pretty hopeful though that it will all pull through.

I'm so fascinated when someone says they like me. This guy actually seems sincere and wants me for more than one thing. Its kind of refreshing actually. How jaded I must be thinking this way but it's true. I haven't seriously dated anyone in about 5 years now. I'm only used to high school relationships. I've spent the rest of my time just having fun, not taking anyone seriously. Though I could have, but we never really get what we want. I think there's something about this guy that just might stick, however.

The beginning of relationships are so interesting. It's exciting and fun, getting to know someone, developing that chemistry, it can be magical really. I try to hide my doubts below the surface just enough to feel some optimism. So far so good. Dating is really fun in the summer time. There's so much to do. Going to the fair for instance, sneaking in can of booze and sitting by the lake just enjoying the moment. I love it. Being told you're beautiful everyday isn't too bad either.

I haven't been someone's girlfriend in a really long time. I kind of wish I was. It's nice having someone care about you aside from your parents and friends. I think I make a pretty good girlfriend from what I remember. I always try to be okay with being the fun single girl but it can get pretty lonely sometimes. It's nice going out on dates and having someone to get dressed up for other than yourself. I really missed it. I hope this turns into something. We'll see how it goes.

just another day

I've been thinking recently about the last year of my life and who I am at this moment- not exactly who I want to be. I'm not sure where I should be either. It would be nice to finally be with someone, in a real relationship. I visited with a friend recently who I really wanted to be with once. Just being around him brought out feelings in me that I forgot were there. It was last summer and I was so in love with him. Those butterflies came back all too quickly. We spent so much time together, and I thought he liked me too. I wasn't enough I guess. Will I ever be enough for someone?

At the moment I don't even feel good enough for myself. I don't look the way I want and I don't feel all that happy. I just pass the days as if they don't really matter. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore. Did I ever have one? All I do is sit around, motivation slipping in and out of my hands. Right now I don't have any goals to reach, except for finishing school. Even when I think about it, I'm not sure what I want to do. I shouldn't be so afraid to go back, but I am. Who will I become? No longer the journalist I want to be? Should I attempt to go back to RRC? It won't be the samean and probably harder since I've been gone. I'm just not sure what I want anymore.

I know I don't want to be stuck in Portage. I really do miss the city. There are more opportunities there and just more to do in general. I'd really love to be roommates with my friend Leah, we would get along really well living together. I'm really hoping after the summer I'll have a new fresh start in the city. I don't think I can handle another year staying at home. I need time to figure out things on my own and become more independent. I really do miss having my own place. All I want is a job that I love, a nice place of my own and someone to share it with. Hopefully one day I'll find it all.

our health moves us

I'm realizing more and more everyday just how important it is to care of yourself. After finding out today that my dad had a mini stroke, it became clear that if you don't keep your health in check you don't have much to look forward to when you're older. I've never worried about someone as much as I do my dad. I would never want to have to worry my kids one day because of poor health. I'd want to be there for them as long as I could. Right now I can see my health deteriorating and its not helping me at all. I need to develop a healthy lifestyle. One that doesn't involve sitting around on the couch watching tv for hours and constantly eating. Something's gotta give.

Tomorrow I'm going to attempt running. It's a cheap and easy way of getting in shape so why not start now? I'm only working out about once a week at the moment and I know that's not enough to lose weight. The only thing I'm concerned about when I start running is my asthma, but I'm sure it won't be that bad. I think once I have a solid routine and start seeing results I'm more likely to stick with a plan.

One thing that I notice I do constantly is compare myself to others. It can be people on tv, in magazines, my best friend, my sister, or even random people on the street. In my head I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be in terms of physical fitness/shape. I don't hate my body I just know there's room for improvement. The parts of me I want to work on are: arms, legs, muffin top and a flatter tummy. Typical areas I suppose for most women. That can be seen as a good thing since there will always be workouts made to target these areas. It's not like I don't have a fitness magazine just collecting dust somewhere...

I have daydreams of being a thin healthy woman who enjoys doing yoga every morning and drinks green tea everyday. I've never actually done yoga but it is something I want to start doing. I'm also considering becoming vegetarian once I move back to the city. I've always felt strongly about not supporting animal cruelty and I think vegetarianism is a healthy lifestyle to adopt and stick with. All I know is I need to start making concrete plans to start living the kind of life I want. It starts now! :)

my so called life

I haven't blogged in a while, I guess mainly because my computer isn't working so I'm actually writing from my new BlackBerry. Something that's been on my mind lately aside from the continuous monotony of my life is that I need to lose some weight- again. I lost a lot of weight a few months ago but quickly gained it all back. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully satisfied with my body, but then again who is? But I always say that I'm going to get in shape and I never committ. I think I need to start trying. One thing that is troublesome for me is eating healthy. I'm pretty good at sitting around and eating empty calories. It would be nice if there were healthier food choices around the house. Either way, it's time for some changes. Yeah I know, I've been saying that all summer.

Writing about this issue again makes me wonder, why are most people so unhappy with themselves? I guess most of us were raised in a society where being the best meant you were a better person. We are always striving for something more in life. Some of us get there and some of us don't. I know I'm always hoping to be better, or at least wanting a lot more out of my life. So far I don't think I've achieved enough. A lot of the time I'm not sure that I'll ever find exactly the kind of life I think I want. Maybe that's because I've been feeling a lot of self doubt lately. I don't feel good enough to myself, and maybe if I get in better shape I'll start to like myself a bit more. There are many other aspects of myself I want to work on as well, but perhaps if I start on one thing the rest will follow? There's no harm in trying anyway.

I almost feel tired writing this, like these are all words that have been spit out and regurgitated. I do wonder though if succeeding at one thing and reaching a goal will leave room for new ones in life? Logically it makes sense, but what if you never reach the initial goals? Life would get tireless and essentially you would probably give up and settle. I often get scared that I will lose sight of what's important to me and settle for a life I don't want. I think it all comes down to learning to love yourself and not forgetting to live life. You never truly know when it will be over so why waste time?

I guess that's all for now.

Time to get off the couch

Lately I've been constantly hungry. No matter if I just ate a meal, I'm still hungry for more. It might be due to the medication I'm taking but it's getting a bit ridiculous. My willpower is lacking majorly as well. Earlier tonight I went to the store just to buy a bunch of junk food that I really didn't need. I think it's time to change my ways. Funny, I'm always looking for a change in some aspect of my life. Maybe changing my health for the better is the way to go.

I've always been a chunky girl. For the most part I'm not that unhappy with my body, but I do know I'm a bit overweight. I don't think I'm meant to be super skinny, but it would be nice to be in good shape. I've always wondered what it felt like to have a flat stomach or arms that didn't jiggle with every wave... I guess insecurities are never far from the surface.

I've been a yo-yo dieter, or a stress crash dieter. I've always lost the most weight at times when I'm super stressed out. I stop eating altogether. Last year I lost about 20 pounds due to major stress. Now that I'm more mentally stable, I've went in the other direction and I'm eating practically everything in sight. It's not good. My new jeans are already getting tight, I really don't want to balloon up to the weight I was last year- being so heavy just doesn't work well for me. I'm always saying "oh I need to get in shape" but then when it comes down to it, I only stick with something for maybe a week or two at the most and then I fall back into my old habits. I suppose lifestyle changes aren't easy.

I don't want to be someone who is obsessed with weight and image, but I do think it's important to take care of my health. Especially since my dad had a heart attack in the winter I've realized how many health problems I am prone to developing if I don't be careful. If I'm exercising and eating better I know I'll start to feel better, have more energy and not want to sleep all the time. I just wish I was more motivated to get off my ass.

I'm considering running as a way to get fit, but since I have asthma I'm not sure if that's the right route for me. I could always try it and see how I handle it. I'm also buying a bike this summer, so that will keep me moving as well. As for diet, I need to take charge and actually buy healthy food. Despite my dad having a massive heart attack and diabetes, he doesn't try to take better care of himself. That really does scare me, I thought I was going to lose him once, I am not prepared in any capacity to lose him for real. Not improving my health really could mean a life or death situation some day.

I'm always interested in different diets or fitness plans. In the past I've attempted The Best Life Diet made famous by Oprah. Also, the Body By Glamour fitness plan, as well as other self-made plans. I'm thinking about the Blood Type Diet as well as trying The Best Life Diet again. I think if I'm constantly surrounding myself with health and fitness literature it will become easier for me to adapt into a new and better lifestyle. All of this is so much easier said than done, however.

I only want to lose about 20-30 pounds, with a major focus on toning and muscle building. In the mean time, here are some things I plan to do to start my weight-loss journey (again):
-Buy healthy food- fruit, veggies, whole grains.
-Create a work out routine- buy a bike or get a gym membership
-Find a work out buddy

Let's see how I do this time around.

Where is the love?

Why do I always fall for the wrong guys? I have a really good habit of liking the guy who has no real interest in me, or vice versa, the ones who do like me I could care less. I'm always attracted to assholes for some reason, and no matter what they do I often find myself giving too many excuses as to why I should spend my time with them. I need a new focus here...

I wouldn't say I have a specific type of guy I'm attracted to (minus the asshole quotient) I'm sort of an 'equal opportunist' in that I don't really have high standards and I make too many exceptions, probably hoping for change. We all know how that likely turns out. I really do miss being in a relationship though. I haven't technically had a boyfriend since the beginning of my university years and that was 4 years ago by now. I sometimes go on dates, but nothing really escalates into a meaningful partnership with anyone. I'm starting to think I'll be single forever... and I really don't want to settle for someone I'm not totally into just for the sake of being in a relationship. I want to be with someone who I genuinely respect and who does the same for me. But first I need to break the bad boy cycle.

Maybe I can't find anyone because I'm not really looking that hard? Truth be told I feel as if Portage is limiting in terms of a good catch. I don't even know what my plan is after the summer, who knows where I'll be? That's also a factor in deciding to be with someone- how long could it last? Would a long-distance distance relationship really work out? Another truth is that I sort of have my heart set on someone. I'm not sure if it's a lost cause or not... but sometimes I feel it's worth it to be hopeful.

This person makes me feel at ease, and I think we're pretty comfortable in eachother's company. I think he's cute as hell and a great listener. He makes me feel normal when I'm out of sorts. And we have a lot in common. I feel like we'd make a good team and be eachother's best friend. The only downside is that we might both have some personal issues to resolve before diving into a relationship. But thinking about being with him makes me want to be better. What more could you ask for in a person? I guess only time will tell with this one.

In the meantime I guess I'll try to find contentment in being single. It does have it's bonuses. I don't have to answer to anyone, I'm free to do whatever I want and I don't have to deal with stress and drama. Sometimes I miss the drama though.

I think for now I need to put my heart into safekeeping. Only those who truly deserve it will be let in.

going nowhere, a useless cycle

Another weekend is upon us, and here I go again, out to the watering hole that is the portage bar. Not that there's much else to do in this town on weekends, but I've come to realize that I frequent this place way more than I should. I do love to dance though...

I guess my point is that I wish I had more than just drinking and loud music to fulfill my life at this point. I want to grow and to expand my experiences. Constantly drinking every weekend doesn't exactly bring me to that other level- except inebriation.

Does it all come down to logistics? Perhaps if I wasn't living in Portage things would be different? I'm not sure about that though... a bigger city would only bring more options of where to buy a drink... Maybe all of this is just a sign that I'm ready for better things? I can't see myself living here forever, and the fact that I know people who accept that they will spend their lives here just boggles my mind. How can someone not want to go out and experience something new and different? I have such a yearning for travel, to see how other people live, experience different cultures other than my own. I feel it's so limiting being stuck in one place for so long. Routine can be good for certain things, but not when your life isn't to your satisfaction.

I'm hoping this summer I'll find some kind of adventure, something that I can say really awakened my spirits and allowed me to expand my horizons. I feel that travel would do that, and I intend on visiting dear friends once they have left for the summer. At this point in my life I'm really wondering where my life is going to end up, but I also realize that life is never what you want it to be. I really wish I didn't feel like I was constantly letting myself down for not finishing school, when it is completely possible to finish another time. There is more to life than education... I just feel like I'm wasting time going out, drinking, doing the same monotonous thing. At some point, it really does get old. I really don't want to end up living life like it's an episode of Jersey Shore. I think it's time to find something else to do.

I guess that's all for now...