The first thing I think to comment on is how much cooler the weather is getting. It truly felt like an Autumn day today. The summer was seriously short and sweet. I made the perfect chilly day dinner to warm us up this evening. Beef stew and fried bannock. So hearty and delicious! I can't believe how easy it was and how well it turned out for my first stew attempt. I think it will become a staple in the months ahead.
Also, I'm looking forward to my baby shower on Sunday. It kind of feels weird to have one without my family or MB friends to share with me, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to celebrate my first baby. I think she and I deserve all the attention we can get right now. I want to savour the good moments, for I'm sure there will be many stressful 'new mom' dilemmas to deal with soon. Our friend Joelle is hosting at her new townhouse and I couldn't be happier. She is a great support. It's nice to feel I have that support living here. That brings me to the point to which I hate having to mention...
Half the time I'm always alone and lately I've been feeling way underappreciated as tensions mount and tempers flare. I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle these ridiculous arguments that at times unfortunately turn into more than what they should. I don't mind being alone but it honestly felt nice to even get out of the house to simply interact with another person today. Don't get me wrong, I interact on a daily basis at work which helps, but outside of that it's not a lot. Then when my other half is home I feel like I'm being taken for granted at times and disrespected. This is not the way I pictured my relationship to be.
I guess I'm not totally blameless, but seriously my 'behaviour' definitely does not warrant flipping off the handle. This is not what I want nor should be dealing with in my third trimester of pregnancy. It's supposed to be as stress-free as possible, but these fights just get my blood boiling. I really hope nothing happens to cause harm to my baby. She's not even here yet and already she's subject to these undesirable situations. All I know is that when she does arrive, I cannot put up with incessant drinking, smoking and fighting. We cannot afford it either financially or emotionally. My first thought is always to 'go home'. I need not to repeat my mother's 'mistakes' in life. It almost seems that I'm living her life. She worked hard to raise us and I won't ever forget that, I just realize that things could've been a lot easier without so much stress. I want my daughter to have less to worry about than I did.
Either way, the most anyone can do in these situations, where you love someone but you don't love what they do is to hope for a change. Even saying that sounds like a lost cause. Most people never change. Why should becoming a parent make a difference? Who knows what will happen. I just know that he deserves the chance to be the best dad he can be. I want the chance for us to work as a real family. I definitely know the potential is there. Let's just pray that the desire to be the change will be there too.
