She's finally here! Zoée Anneliese Jane Lewis-Lilley took her sweet time but joined us in the world at 9:40 a.m. on Thursday, November 8th, 2012. So much has happened since I last wrote. I had a baby! I'm a mom! My mom was here! It's all gone by so fast so far.
Zo is nearly three weeks old and the days just seem to zip on by. It was unfortunate that she was born 8 days late, since my mom came to visit on October 25th and sadly had to leave the day before I was induced. I'm so disappointed in that, but things happen I guess. It was great to have her help us move into our new place, though. She helped me organize/clean and get ready for baby which was nice. I'll be forever grateful to have such an awesome mom who knows the importance of living in a safe, secure and sanitary home. Ever since we moved, I've been constantly cleaning and organizing, just trying to keep our place clean and cozy. I think it's crucial especially when a newborn is in the house now. The least I can do for my babes is make sure she doesn't live in squalor. I know growing up I always felt better in a home that was constantly cared for and maintained. If you don't have pride in where you live, why would you live there? It just makes for better living, being comfortable in your surroundings is so important for your health, both physically and mentally.
Since having the baby it's become even more important now that I have to worry about stabilizing my hormones and warding off post-partum depression. I'm at a much higher risk than normal because I have a history of depression in my past- the last bout being only two years ago. Now is not the time to break down, and the little things really do make a difference in my moods. I find I've been crying more than normal, at silly little things. They tell me it's because of the shift in hormones and the baby blues but there's also more to it than that. I'm really trying not to be stressed out, but certain things have put me over the edge. I've had a mini panic attack the first full day the baby was home, I was just feeling so overwhelmed and without support that I started freaking out. I just assumed I would have more help than what I've been getting thus far. Apparently though I'm expected to do it all- go through nearly 24 hours of crazy labour only to have a c-section, take care of my newborn, and to top it off, clean, cook, do laundry, etc... There should be a law that states any spouse/partner is obligated to do the basic chores needed in the first few days after a woman gives birth. Isn't it what you would expect though? I really didn't think it was asking much for my dishes to be done and a possible meal be prepared ahead of time for us when we got home. Anyway, I guess if you really want shit to get done, you have to do it yourself, no matter if you've just had major surgery and went through physical hell and are majorly sleep deprived. By the sounds of it, PPD might be in my near future...though I'm trying my best to stay positive. I realize the baby picks up on my moods and whatever other negativity goes on around her. I want her to have a good start in life, not stressed out or anxious.
For the most part I'm so happy to be a mom. I'm just feeling a major lack of support from who should be my partner and my equal. Sure, financial support is important, but it's not everything, especially not emotional support. Yes, we have a roof over our head and food in the fridge...but really when shit gets tense around here and I feel like I'm alone in all of this, it's hard to see how that is enough, especially when I am talked down to and made to feel worthless. It really doesn't do much for a new mom, trying to raise a daughter who hopefully won't have to ever deal with someone like that.
I should probably stop ranting and get some sleep. Sleep should be one of my top priorities since it's become so elusive lately. I wouldn't trade it for the world though, I love motherhood and my little peanut. xoxo
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
36 weeks preggers: the countdown is on!
It's finally October! I'm so excited for bebe's arrival, yet so nervous about labour! I hope everything goes well. I had a check-up today and my doctor says everything is fine. I've gained 7 pounds total so far, and the baby is facing downward, gearing up to enter the world. I wish I knew definitely what day she will be here, but at least I'm finished work now so I have time to rest up and prepare for when she does decide to join us!
I had a restless sleep lastnight as my mind was racing thinking about everything. We're basically ready for baby to get here, aside from a few little things- bathtub, baby wash, diapers and wipes. I'm just anxious wondering how it's going to be having her at home. I am constantly wondering about how I will manage as a new mom. I haven't really had much experience with tiny babies, so it's all going to be such a huge learning experience. But I guess it's like that for every new parent.
Aside from feeling a bit anxious, I'm pretty hopeful and motivated that things will go smoothly. We are in the midst of finding a bigger apartment for the three of us, which I'm hoping we find what we are looking for at a decent price. We want to stay in the same area so we will be close to certain amenities like WalMart. I can't wait to decorate the baby's room! It will be nice to have a bigger place that will fit us better than where we are now.
The only thing that's disappointing is that my sister probably won't make it down for the birth. I guess I'm just upset that she had pretty much 9 months to save up for a week long trip to see her first niece, but I guess it's not that important to her. I know I was the one who moved away from everyone, but why not try a bit harder for your family? Oh well, I guess everyone will have to wait to meet her until we can manage to go for a visit.
All that's left to do now is continue preparing for baby and make sure I stay well rested and stress-free. I can't wait for our little family to be complete!
I had a restless sleep lastnight as my mind was racing thinking about everything. We're basically ready for baby to get here, aside from a few little things- bathtub, baby wash, diapers and wipes. I'm just anxious wondering how it's going to be having her at home. I am constantly wondering about how I will manage as a new mom. I haven't really had much experience with tiny babies, so it's all going to be such a huge learning experience. But I guess it's like that for every new parent.
Aside from feeling a bit anxious, I'm pretty hopeful and motivated that things will go smoothly. We are in the midst of finding a bigger apartment for the three of us, which I'm hoping we find what we are looking for at a decent price. We want to stay in the same area so we will be close to certain amenities like WalMart. I can't wait to decorate the baby's room! It will be nice to have a bigger place that will fit us better than where we are now.
The only thing that's disappointing is that my sister probably won't make it down for the birth. I guess I'm just upset that she had pretty much 9 months to save up for a week long trip to see her first niece, but I guess it's not that important to her. I know I was the one who moved away from everyone, but why not try a bit harder for your family? Oh well, I guess everyone will have to wait to meet her until we can manage to go for a visit.
All that's left to do now is continue preparing for baby and make sure I stay well rested and stress-free. I can't wait for our little family to be complete!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Baby Shower, Beef Stew, and Bullshit
The first thing I think to comment on is how much cooler the weather is getting. It truly felt like an Autumn day today. The summer was seriously short and sweet. I made the perfect chilly day dinner to warm us up this evening. Beef stew and fried bannock. So hearty and delicious! I can't believe how easy it was and how well it turned out for my first stew attempt. I think it will become a staple in the months ahead.
Also, I'm looking forward to my baby shower on Sunday. It kind of feels weird to have one without my family or MB friends to share with me, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to celebrate my first baby. I think she and I deserve all the attention we can get right now. I want to savour the good moments, for I'm sure there will be many stressful 'new mom' dilemmas to deal with soon. Our friend Joelle is hosting at her new townhouse and I couldn't be happier. She is a great support. It's nice to feel I have that support living here. That brings me to the point to which I hate having to mention...
Half the time I'm always alone and lately I've been feeling way underappreciated as tensions mount and tempers flare. I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle these ridiculous arguments that at times unfortunately turn into more than what they should. I don't mind being alone but it honestly felt nice to even get out of the house to simply interact with another person today. Don't get me wrong, I interact on a daily basis at work which helps, but outside of that it's not a lot. Then when my other half is home I feel like I'm being taken for granted at times and disrespected. This is not the way I pictured my relationship to be.
I guess I'm not totally blameless, but seriously my 'behaviour' definitely does not warrant flipping off the handle. This is not what I want nor should be dealing with in my third trimester of pregnancy. It's supposed to be as stress-free as possible, but these fights just get my blood boiling. I really hope nothing happens to cause harm to my baby. She's not even here yet and already she's subject to these undesirable situations. All I know is that when she does arrive, I cannot put up with incessant drinking, smoking and fighting. We cannot afford it either financially or emotionally. My first thought is always to 'go home'. I need not to repeat my mother's 'mistakes' in life. It almost seems that I'm living her life. She worked hard to raise us and I won't ever forget that, I just realize that things could've been a lot easier without so much stress. I want my daughter to have less to worry about than I did.
Either way, the most anyone can do in these situations, where you love someone but you don't love what they do is to hope for a change. Even saying that sounds like a lost cause. Most people never change. Why should becoming a parent make a difference? Who knows what will happen. I just know that he deserves the chance to be the best dad he can be. I want the chance for us to work as a real family. I definitely know the potential is there. Let's just pray that the desire to be the change will be there too.
Also, I'm looking forward to my baby shower on Sunday. It kind of feels weird to have one without my family or MB friends to share with me, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to celebrate my first baby. I think she and I deserve all the attention we can get right now. I want to savour the good moments, for I'm sure there will be many stressful 'new mom' dilemmas to deal with soon. Our friend Joelle is hosting at her new townhouse and I couldn't be happier. She is a great support. It's nice to feel I have that support living here. That brings me to the point to which I hate having to mention...
Half the time I'm always alone and lately I've been feeling way underappreciated as tensions mount and tempers flare. I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle these ridiculous arguments that at times unfortunately turn into more than what they should. I don't mind being alone but it honestly felt nice to even get out of the house to simply interact with another person today. Don't get me wrong, I interact on a daily basis at work which helps, but outside of that it's not a lot. Then when my other half is home I feel like I'm being taken for granted at times and disrespected. This is not the way I pictured my relationship to be.
I guess I'm not totally blameless, but seriously my 'behaviour' definitely does not warrant flipping off the handle. This is not what I want nor should be dealing with in my third trimester of pregnancy. It's supposed to be as stress-free as possible, but these fights just get my blood boiling. I really hope nothing happens to cause harm to my baby. She's not even here yet and already she's subject to these undesirable situations. All I know is that when she does arrive, I cannot put up with incessant drinking, smoking and fighting. We cannot afford it either financially or emotionally. My first thought is always to 'go home'. I need not to repeat my mother's 'mistakes' in life. It almost seems that I'm living her life. She worked hard to raise us and I won't ever forget that, I just realize that things could've been a lot easier without so much stress. I want my daughter to have less to worry about than I did.
Either way, the most anyone can do in these situations, where you love someone but you don't love what they do is to hope for a change. Even saying that sounds like a lost cause. Most people never change. Why should becoming a parent make a difference? Who knows what will happen. I just know that he deserves the chance to be the best dad he can be. I want the chance for us to work as a real family. I definitely know the potential is there. Let's just pray that the desire to be the change will be there too.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Food Blogger: Another dream job
I'm obsessed with food. I'm always watching the Food Network and I'm currently eating up Masterchef. It's such a great show, I was inspired by last night's episode to make a fruit tart. So here I sit waiting for my crust to brown, watching Julie and Julia wishing I was a successful food blogger like Julia Powell.
Who wouldn't want to gain that much success doing something so joyful and delicious everyday? I'd love to pull a Julia Child and go to cooking school in France, live like the french while disregarding the size of my waistline in the process. It all sounds so dreamy, creamy and scrumptious! What a life!
Since moving in with my boyfriend I've found myself in the kitchen everyday to make us our meals. I've become quite good at the "traditional" family type meals that I never thought I could make as good as my mom does. Roasting pork is so easy, we've come up with this yummie pulled pork shepherd's pie recipe I've made a couple times now, and I've started baking quite regularly as well. Before the fruit tart, we made butter tarts for the first time. It was a nice midnight adventure that turned out really tasty. I really could see myelf getting serious about some kind of cooking career. We always talk about opening our own restaurant some day. I've always dreamed of living on top of my own bakery or cafe/book store. It would be awesome to some day actually do something that gutsy.
It may seem like a recycled hobby that so many other, and more talented people delve into, but for me food has always been a big part of my life. Both my parents are great cooks, Brock and I share the same passion for food, which is why I consider myself such an emerging foodie.
For now, all I can do is attempt my Pinterest recipes, maybe come up of some more originals, and possibly start the food blog I've always meant to pursue.
Bon Apétit!
Who wouldn't want to gain that much success doing something so joyful and delicious everyday? I'd love to pull a Julia Child and go to cooking school in France, live like the french while disregarding the size of my waistline in the process. It all sounds so dreamy, creamy and scrumptious! What a life!
Since moving in with my boyfriend I've found myself in the kitchen everyday to make us our meals. I've become quite good at the "traditional" family type meals that I never thought I could make as good as my mom does. Roasting pork is so easy, we've come up with this yummie pulled pork shepherd's pie recipe I've made a couple times now, and I've started baking quite regularly as well. Before the fruit tart, we made butter tarts for the first time. It was a nice midnight adventure that turned out really tasty. I really could see myelf getting serious about some kind of cooking career. We always talk about opening our own restaurant some day. I've always dreamed of living on top of my own bakery or cafe/book store. It would be awesome to some day actually do something that gutsy.
It may seem like a recycled hobby that so many other, and more talented people delve into, but for me food has always been a big part of my life. Both my parents are great cooks, Brock and I share the same passion for food, which is why I consider myself such an emerging foodie.
For now, all I can do is attempt my Pinterest recipes, maybe come up of some more originals, and possibly start the food blog I've always meant to pursue.
Bon Apétit!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Contemplating Motherhood
I'm a little negligent when it comes to keeping up with this blog. It's been nearly two months since my last post. I'm 25 weeks pregnant today. Time is flying by, and I'm getting nervous!
We've finally decided on a name we both like- Zooey. It means "life". It's unique and really cute so I think we're going to stick with it. I can definitely picture myself raising a little Zooey!
Though I'm really excited for the baby, I can't help but be nervous and scared at the same time. I know that's normal for all expecting parents, but I used to think I was too selfish to ever have kids. I can tell that part of me is changing already, I just really want my child to have the best life possible. Don't we all?
I'm hoping she won't have to deal with as many hardships as I did while growing up. I am going to try my hardest to finish school and get a good job to provide for us. Living off of only one full-time income and a part-time minimum wage job will not suffice while raising a daughter. I want her to be proud of me and look up to me. My dreams may not be fulfilled at the current time, but I hope one day they will be. Who knows how long it will take me to reach them, just as long as I eventually do.
I have so many ideas of what I want our future life to be, what kind of house we'll have, where I will work, the kind of parents we will be...I hope we can get to a place where everything is content and peaceful- no debt, good jobs, a nice house, etc. I'm hopeful it will all come in time. For now, all I can do is take each day as it comes and prepare for our little one's arrival.
We've finally decided on a name we both like- Zooey. It means "life". It's unique and really cute so I think we're going to stick with it. I can definitely picture myself raising a little Zooey!
Though I'm really excited for the baby, I can't help but be nervous and scared at the same time. I know that's normal for all expecting parents, but I used to think I was too selfish to ever have kids. I can tell that part of me is changing already, I just really want my child to have the best life possible. Don't we all?
I'm hoping she won't have to deal with as many hardships as I did while growing up. I am going to try my hardest to finish school and get a good job to provide for us. Living off of only one full-time income and a part-time minimum wage job will not suffice while raising a daughter. I want her to be proud of me and look up to me. My dreams may not be fulfilled at the current time, but I hope one day they will be. Who knows how long it will take me to reach them, just as long as I eventually do.
I have so many ideas of what I want our future life to be, what kind of house we'll have, where I will work, the kind of parents we will be...I hope we can get to a place where everything is content and peaceful- no debt, good jobs, a nice house, etc. I'm hopeful it will all come in time. For now, all I can do is take each day as it comes and prepare for our little one's arrival.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
My first little chalupa!
I haven't written in a while, though so much has happened since I moved. First of all, I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant, about 17 weeks and 6 days. I had my first ultrasound last week. I am due on Halloween, October 31st. I'm so excited! Yet I feel I won't be prepared for all that motherhood will be bring me. I'm so excited to have a little baby in my arms in a few short months, but I am so nervous as to how I will handle everything. We are both really embracing this change in our lives though.
I finally found a job! I start at Ardene's on Saturday. It's only part-time but hopefully I can get a few more hours at other stores during the summer. I can't wait to start buying baby stuff. It's going to be so fun! Also, we are planning to buy a vehicle in the fall so we can get around with our little shrimpy. I hope to visit home for Christmas, I'll have a two month old baby with me which will be so different! I'll finally also get to meet Teisha's baby girl, too. Can't wait for my parents to see the babe too. It'll be so cool.
The only struggle I'm finding so far with being pregnant aside from morning sickness and heartburn is deciding on a name. I know we have a lot more time to decide but we can't seem to decide on ones we both like. I do not want to name my son after a football player. It does not resonate with me, and "Elway" sounds alright, but it's kind of strange as a first name. I hope he gets over that soon. My top picks for names so far are Violet, Hazel, Abigail, Madeline, Mirabelle and Lorelai for girls, and for boys I like Aiden, Holden, and Grady. I have a feeling it's a boy, only because we've been talking about it more, and in the ultrasound photo it looks like the babe has Brock's nose/mouth. But we'll see soon! I'm hoping to go for another ultrasound in a couple weeks to find out.
Things are going relatively okay otherwise. We are not fighting as much anymore, and the weather makes for a much better mood, as well as BBQ-ing. Nothing beats good BBQ on a hot sunny day!
I finally found a job! I start at Ardene's on Saturday. It's only part-time but hopefully I can get a few more hours at other stores during the summer. I can't wait to start buying baby stuff. It's going to be so fun! Also, we are planning to buy a vehicle in the fall so we can get around with our little shrimpy. I hope to visit home for Christmas, I'll have a two month old baby with me which will be so different! I'll finally also get to meet Teisha's baby girl, too. Can't wait for my parents to see the babe too. It'll be so cool.
The only struggle I'm finding so far with being pregnant aside from morning sickness and heartburn is deciding on a name. I know we have a lot more time to decide but we can't seem to decide on ones we both like. I do not want to name my son after a football player. It does not resonate with me, and "Elway" sounds alright, but it's kind of strange as a first name. I hope he gets over that soon. My top picks for names so far are Violet, Hazel, Abigail, Madeline, Mirabelle and Lorelai for girls, and for boys I like Aiden, Holden, and Grady. I have a feeling it's a boy, only because we've been talking about it more, and in the ultrasound photo it looks like the babe has Brock's nose/mouth. But we'll see soon! I'm hoping to go for another ultrasound in a couple weeks to find out.
Things are going relatively okay otherwise. We are not fighting as much anymore, and the weather makes for a much better mood, as well as BBQ-ing. Nothing beats good BBQ on a hot sunny day!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Calm after the (shit) storm
I'd say I'm in a much better mood than when I last wrote. I was fuming as I typed, fingers punching the keys like they were a punching bag. I hate fighting with people about something I can't control. When the issue is in the past and you can't change it, what can you do? A whole bunch of nothing, really.
Things seem to be back to normal. Sort of. I'm sure it will just take some time. I guess if I found out something I didn't like about someone I love I would be unsettled, too. It's just really pointless in my opinion. The whole situation doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same person, though his opinion of me is probably becoming less and less. Though I would think if he really loved me none of that would matter. I shouldn't be judged or talked down to because of my past.
The past, the past the fucking past. Who cares? Why let it get in the way of things? Let go of your issues and move on. Live for today and maybe tomorrow. That's what I'm trying to do. I have things to look forward to, a new job, a new school, a new city. I don't want his negativity to hinder my growth and ability to look at things in my usually overly-optimistic manner. I know at times I'm too worry-free, but why be stressed over things when you don't have to be? Life is short, do what you want and have fun.
Aside from the fighting, things have been going pretty well here. We've developed this routine of having supper and watching Dexter on Netflix every night. We've been out with his friends once so far, which was really fun. Apart from the fact that he tried to blame it on me that we went out when we couldn't really afford it. Either way, I'm in love with downtown Vancouver. Granville street reminds me of Times Square with all the people and bright lights.
So far in comparison with Winnipeg I'd say Vancouver wins top spot for better city. For starters, it's beautiful here. Everytime I see the mountains, I'm mesmerized. I could stare at them for hours. The weather is nice, though it's mostly rain, I'd rather deal with that than below freezing temperatures. Transit is way better. Buses come at faster intervals and the skytrain is awesome. It seems everywhere is only a few minutes away. Also, there's more to do. I can't wait until summer when we can bike and go camping and hiking. Not to mention swimming in the ocean! That's one thing that will be finally checked off my bucket list.
I'm sure as the days go by things will continue to get better. I'll feel more secure once I find a job and start saving for school. I also can't wait to make our place even more of a home, buying art for the walls, an actual dresser so I don't have to live out of a suitcase and a little kitchen table so we can have a proper sit down dinner. The little things are what make life interesting. Let's hope it never gets boring.
Things seem to be back to normal. Sort of. I'm sure it will just take some time. I guess if I found out something I didn't like about someone I love I would be unsettled, too. It's just really pointless in my opinion. The whole situation doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same person, though his opinion of me is probably becoming less and less. Though I would think if he really loved me none of that would matter. I shouldn't be judged or talked down to because of my past.
The past, the past the fucking past. Who cares? Why let it get in the way of things? Let go of your issues and move on. Live for today and maybe tomorrow. That's what I'm trying to do. I have things to look forward to, a new job, a new school, a new city. I don't want his negativity to hinder my growth and ability to look at things in my usually overly-optimistic manner. I know at times I'm too worry-free, but why be stressed over things when you don't have to be? Life is short, do what you want and have fun.
Aside from the fighting, things have been going pretty well here. We've developed this routine of having supper and watching Dexter on Netflix every night. We've been out with his friends once so far, which was really fun. Apart from the fact that he tried to blame it on me that we went out when we couldn't really afford it. Either way, I'm in love with downtown Vancouver. Granville street reminds me of Times Square with all the people and bright lights.
So far in comparison with Winnipeg I'd say Vancouver wins top spot for better city. For starters, it's beautiful here. Everytime I see the mountains, I'm mesmerized. I could stare at them for hours. The weather is nice, though it's mostly rain, I'd rather deal with that than below freezing temperatures. Transit is way better. Buses come at faster intervals and the skytrain is awesome. It seems everywhere is only a few minutes away. Also, there's more to do. I can't wait until summer when we can bike and go camping and hiking. Not to mention swimming in the ocean! That's one thing that will be finally checked off my bucket list.
I'm sure as the days go by things will continue to get better. I'll feel more secure once I find a job and start saving for school. I also can't wait to make our place even more of a home, buying art for the walls, an actual dresser so I don't have to live out of a suitcase and a little kitchen table so we can have a proper sit down dinner. The little things are what make life interesting. Let's hope it never gets boring.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
F$!k love.
Relationships are crazy. Apparently I forgot about all the drama they can entail. It's not pretty, nor is it any fun. What do you do when you've given up your entire life for someone you love and then once you're with them you're constantly treated like shit? Especially because that person can't deal with their issues and is too insecure to act like an adult when the situation warrants it. At the moment I don't know why I thought being with someone would be so great, 'cause I feel like the world's biggest loser right now. Is this really what love is?
Love. Well, I thought we were in love, but would the person who loves you tell you you're a piece of shit, disgusting human being if they really cared for you? Something inside tells me no. A sick, twisted part of me almost liked the idea of a drama filled, fight til' you're blue in the face type of union, but as it's actually coming into fruition, that is so not what I want or need. I've dealt with enough bullshit in my 23 years and I really don't want to deal with anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over shit and man up. I am not saying sorry for my past. It's in the past, that's where it stays, so deal with it.
I guess real life is no fairy tale, but I thought the beginnings of relationships were supposed to be fun and care-free? All I've got so far is blame, called every name in the book and yelled at for insignificant bullshit that at the end of the day doesn't even matter. I don't understand how someone can be so temperamental. I could say maybe it's because of the weed or just a lack of self confidence. I really don't know for sure, but all I do know is that I'm not going to put up with this shit for much longer.
I think I've been doing pretty good so far on my end. I clean our apartment, I cook, I'm more than considerate. I guess it all falls by the way side if I'm not holding a fucking 6-pack or a joint in my hand. Belittle me some more, I dare you. Let's see where you'll end up. I didn't expect to be treated like a piece of shit on the daily, with no sense of remorse or empathy. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I'm just really fucking sick of the snide comments and hurtful jokes that seem funny in the moment, but really cut to the core. Is this what I deserve? I haven't had luck in the past with relationships, which is why I chose to stay away from them. I don't know if this will get any better, or just continue to be what it is- a fucking pain in the ass.
I just really hope things smooth out, and stay that way. Though I doubt that will happen. I just want my life to come together. I have one year left of school and I found a program I actually like and it's here in BC, and if I can manage to save up enough and actually do it, I'll have one less thing hanging over my head. I'm sick of staying in this tiny apartment watching movies all day and night. I need to get some kind of life back. If only for the distraction from what is surely becoming my shitty reality. I guess this is where I say, “not if I can help it”. But can I? It really seems like my opinions about anything don't matter anymore. It's like I'm just here for amusement when needed. I really don't feel like this is something I can endure for much longer. I guess we'll see what happens.
Love. Well, I thought we were in love, but would the person who loves you tell you you're a piece of shit, disgusting human being if they really cared for you? Something inside tells me no. A sick, twisted part of me almost liked the idea of a drama filled, fight til' you're blue in the face type of union, but as it's actually coming into fruition, that is so not what I want or need. I've dealt with enough bullshit in my 23 years and I really don't want to deal with anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over shit and man up. I am not saying sorry for my past. It's in the past, that's where it stays, so deal with it.
I guess real life is no fairy tale, but I thought the beginnings of relationships were supposed to be fun and care-free? All I've got so far is blame, called every name in the book and yelled at for insignificant bullshit that at the end of the day doesn't even matter. I don't understand how someone can be so temperamental. I could say maybe it's because of the weed or just a lack of self confidence. I really don't know for sure, but all I do know is that I'm not going to put up with this shit for much longer.
I think I've been doing pretty good so far on my end. I clean our apartment, I cook, I'm more than considerate. I guess it all falls by the way side if I'm not holding a fucking 6-pack or a joint in my hand. Belittle me some more, I dare you. Let's see where you'll end up. I didn't expect to be treated like a piece of shit on the daily, with no sense of remorse or empathy. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I'm just really fucking sick of the snide comments and hurtful jokes that seem funny in the moment, but really cut to the core. Is this what I deserve? I haven't had luck in the past with relationships, which is why I chose to stay away from them. I don't know if this will get any better, or just continue to be what it is- a fucking pain in the ass.
I just really hope things smooth out, and stay that way. Though I doubt that will happen. I just want my life to come together. I have one year left of school and I found a program I actually like and it's here in BC, and if I can manage to save up enough and actually do it, I'll have one less thing hanging over my head. I'm sick of staying in this tiny apartment watching movies all day and night. I need to get some kind of life back. If only for the distraction from what is surely becoming my shitty reality. I guess this is where I say, “not if I can help it”. But can I? It really seems like my opinions about anything don't matter anymore. It's like I'm just here for amusement when needed. I really don't feel like this is something I can endure for much longer. I guess we'll see what happens.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Very hopeful for Vancouver
I officially made it to Vancouver! Right now I'm sitting in the bus depot across from the McDonald's so I can use their wifi while I wait for my love to meet me. I really need a shower, sitting on the bus for over 30 hours is not ideal. But I'm here nonetheless!
Here are a couple of posts I wrote right before I left and while I was on my way here. I had to do something to pass the time.
Sunday Night:
I'm so anxious it's driving me crazy! I'm leaving for BC tomorrow night and I could not be more excited but so effing nervous! I hope everything works out but I keep thinking stupid thoughts like something will go wrong. I'm sure everything will be fine, I just wanna get there already! I miss Brock so much it's ridiculous! I can't wait to see his face and kiss him like crazy! I can't believe we get to be together everyday soon. It's really kind of surreal. I hope everything works out. I can do nothing but hope for the best at this point. I'm sure it will be amazing. I keep thinking about our place and what it's gonna be like to live with him. It's not gonna feel real until I find a job and have a real routine going. It will just be like I'm on vacation until then probably. Love that I get to wake up with him everyday. I'm so anxious I can't sleep. but the sooner I do, the sooner I get to leave.
Tuesday Afternoon:
Wow, I just went through an old journal of mine from 2010 while I was still depressed. It was really sad. I'm glad I'm doing better now. I can't believe I'm on my way to BC right now about to start a "new life" with Brock. In a thousand years I never would've guessed this would happen. I'm excited but also nervous (seems to be a trending topic) about a lot of things. For example, what if I can't find a job right away? What if I can't afford to go back to school? What if we start fighting and it doesn't work out? I know these are all just what ifs, though they come from a real place.
I cried so hard after saying goodbye to my mom. I hate goodbyes. I guess it all just hit me at once that I was actually leaving everyone behind. It's going to be a big change for me. Though I'm hoping it'll be a great one. The bus is 100 km from Calgary (written on my iPod) right now, which is about half way there. I can't wait to see the mountains! I pretty much slept through all of Saskatchewan, not much to look at. I hate staying on the bus this long. If I wasn't so poor I'd be on a plane right now.
I just hope everything works out. I miss everyone already. I wonder if I'll get homesick when I'm there? I'm sure I will. I've never been this far away from my family or friends for so long. I'm sure it will be okay. I just get nervous thinking about and being on a bus for so long does not help with the impatience. Oh well, c'est la vie.
So I survived the horrendously long bus ride, and now I wait, again at the bus depot in downtown Vancouver. If I wanted to I'm sure I could find my way to our apartment, but I need help with all my stuff, unless I took a cab which, who are we kidding, I am way too cheap to pay for. According to the translink website it's only about 30 minutes from here. I'll just wait until Brock gets here. 4 pm. About 2 and half hours to go. I'm on mountain time now! Regardless of the time, I wasn't kidding about the shower thing. I am in desperate need of one. Travelling by bus is not ideal. Sleeping wasn't easy to get used to the first night, but the second day I napped and lastnight I fell asleep rather easily. It was gorgeous looking at the mountains underneath the full moonlight. It was breathtaking. I'm sure a couple people on the bus heard me mutter "wow" to myself a few times. I could stare at them all day, I don't think it would get old to me. I am after all, a prairie girl at heart. However, my heart is in the west. I hope it stays here for a while. I really like it so far, though it's only been a few hours.
Here are a couple of posts I wrote right before I left and while I was on my way here. I had to do something to pass the time.
Sunday Night:
I'm so anxious it's driving me crazy! I'm leaving for BC tomorrow night and I could not be more excited but so effing nervous! I hope everything works out but I keep thinking stupid thoughts like something will go wrong. I'm sure everything will be fine, I just wanna get there already! I miss Brock so much it's ridiculous! I can't wait to see his face and kiss him like crazy! I can't believe we get to be together everyday soon. It's really kind of surreal. I hope everything works out. I can do nothing but hope for the best at this point. I'm sure it will be amazing. I keep thinking about our place and what it's gonna be like to live with him. It's not gonna feel real until I find a job and have a real routine going. It will just be like I'm on vacation until then probably. Love that I get to wake up with him everyday. I'm so anxious I can't sleep. but the sooner I do, the sooner I get to leave.
Tuesday Afternoon:
Wow, I just went through an old journal of mine from 2010 while I was still depressed. It was really sad. I'm glad I'm doing better now. I can't believe I'm on my way to BC right now about to start a "new life" with Brock. In a thousand years I never would've guessed this would happen. I'm excited but also nervous (seems to be a trending topic) about a lot of things. For example, what if I can't find a job right away? What if I can't afford to go back to school? What if we start fighting and it doesn't work out? I know these are all just what ifs, though they come from a real place.
I cried so hard after saying goodbye to my mom. I hate goodbyes. I guess it all just hit me at once that I was actually leaving everyone behind. It's going to be a big change for me. Though I'm hoping it'll be a great one. The bus is 100 km from Calgary (written on my iPod) right now, which is about half way there. I can't wait to see the mountains! I pretty much slept through all of Saskatchewan, not much to look at. I hate staying on the bus this long. If I wasn't so poor I'd be on a plane right now.
I just hope everything works out. I miss everyone already. I wonder if I'll get homesick when I'm there? I'm sure I will. I've never been this far away from my family or friends for so long. I'm sure it will be okay. I just get nervous thinking about and being on a bus for so long does not help with the impatience. Oh well, c'est la vie.
So I survived the horrendously long bus ride, and now I wait, again at the bus depot in downtown Vancouver. If I wanted to I'm sure I could find my way to our apartment, but I need help with all my stuff, unless I took a cab which, who are we kidding, I am way too cheap to pay for. According to the translink website it's only about 30 minutes from here. I'll just wait until Brock gets here. 4 pm. About 2 and half hours to go. I'm on mountain time now! Regardless of the time, I wasn't kidding about the shower thing. I am in desperate need of one. Travelling by bus is not ideal. Sleeping wasn't easy to get used to the first night, but the second day I napped and lastnight I fell asleep rather easily. It was gorgeous looking at the mountains underneath the full moonlight. It was breathtaking. I'm sure a couple people on the bus heard me mutter "wow" to myself a few times. I could stare at them all day, I don't think it would get old to me. I am after all, a prairie girl at heart. However, my heart is in the west. I hope it stays here for a while. I really like it so far, though it's only been a few hours.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A new chapter: starry-eyed and BC bound
All of a sudden I have this profound feeling of optimism. It's as if my life suddenly has a purpose again. I feel like I can accomplish anything. Life is good.
I am in the midst of starting a new chapter, somewhere new, with someone familiar. I am so excited yet nervous, also. I hope when I get to BC things will work out how we have planned. I'm sure things will be amazing.
I have these constant thoughts swirling in my head about what I'll do when I get there, where will I go to finish school. I'm really hoping to get into this journalism program at Kwantlen Tech. My passion for writing and telling the world important stories has not left me. I still hope to accomplish all that I set out to do so long ago. Maybe I will find an internship or a position at The Vancouver Sun, or another equally significant newspaper. It's always been my dream, and I do love interviewing and reporting. I can't wait to find out what lies ahead and hopefully find some new opportunities.
I know I haven't written in a while, so this might be a long one. I think I will sleep better once all my thoughts are written down. I can't forget the power of self expression. It always helps to get things out into the open.
There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. The decision to move two provinces away from everything I've come to know sounds really intimidating. I think the hardest part will be saying goodbye to everyone. I'm nervous but so confident that it will be for the best. If not now, then when? You only live once. Every time I would weigh my options, the decision to go always won. It's what I'm looking forward to and it's where my heart belongs.
I imagine my life taking shape the way it was meant to. It feels great. Though in reality I'm not currently making enough money and I'm not in any classes, that's okay because I know things can only get better from here. I'll finally get to be with the one I love, live somewhere near the ocean that isn't -20 degrees right now, and just start fresh. There's no better feeling than knowing life will actually be okay.
On this day 21 years ago, my baby sister was born. For me. My mom didn't want me to grow up lonely. I'm so glad she's here. I love her so much and will probably miss her the most when I leave. She's one of the only people I tell everything to, and feel safe knowing there's never any judgment. I know we will still talk, but hopefully we stay close. That's one thing I'll truly miss is that I won't really have that girl time anymore. Maybe we'll just have to have awesome skype dates.
I'm writing this on my iPod laying in bed, waiting for sleep to take me over. I'm wide awake and ready to fly at this very moment, but for now I wait until the new chapter really begins. I hope it leads to an amazing story that I'll be proud to call my life.
Xoxo
I am in the midst of starting a new chapter, somewhere new, with someone familiar. I am so excited yet nervous, also. I hope when I get to BC things will work out how we have planned. I'm sure things will be amazing.
I have these constant thoughts swirling in my head about what I'll do when I get there, where will I go to finish school. I'm really hoping to get into this journalism program at Kwantlen Tech. My passion for writing and telling the world important stories has not left me. I still hope to accomplish all that I set out to do so long ago. Maybe I will find an internship or a position at The Vancouver Sun, or another equally significant newspaper. It's always been my dream, and I do love interviewing and reporting. I can't wait to find out what lies ahead and hopefully find some new opportunities.
I know I haven't written in a while, so this might be a long one. I think I will sleep better once all my thoughts are written down. I can't forget the power of self expression. It always helps to get things out into the open.
There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to. The decision to move two provinces away from everything I've come to know sounds really intimidating. I think the hardest part will be saying goodbye to everyone. I'm nervous but so confident that it will be for the best. If not now, then when? You only live once. Every time I would weigh my options, the decision to go always won. It's what I'm looking forward to and it's where my heart belongs.
I imagine my life taking shape the way it was meant to. It feels great. Though in reality I'm not currently making enough money and I'm not in any classes, that's okay because I know things can only get better from here. I'll finally get to be with the one I love, live somewhere near the ocean that isn't -20 degrees right now, and just start fresh. There's no better feeling than knowing life will actually be okay.
On this day 21 years ago, my baby sister was born. For me. My mom didn't want me to grow up lonely. I'm so glad she's here. I love her so much and will probably miss her the most when I leave. She's one of the only people I tell everything to, and feel safe knowing there's never any judgment. I know we will still talk, but hopefully we stay close. That's one thing I'll truly miss is that I won't really have that girl time anymore. Maybe we'll just have to have awesome skype dates.
I'm writing this on my iPod laying in bed, waiting for sleep to take me over. I'm wide awake and ready to fly at this very moment, but for now I wait until the new chapter really begins. I hope it leads to an amazing story that I'll be proud to call my life.
Xoxo
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