I've been thinking recently about the last year of my life and who I am at this moment- not exactly who I want to be. I'm not sure where I should be either. It would be nice to finally be with someone, in a real relationship. I visited with a friend recently who I really wanted to be with once. Just being around him brought out feelings in me that I forgot were there. It was last summer and I was so in love with him. Those butterflies came back all too quickly. We spent so much time together, and I thought he liked me too. I wasn't enough I guess. Will I ever be enough for someone?
At the moment I don't even feel good enough for myself. I don't look the way I want and I don't feel all that happy. I just pass the days as if they don't really matter. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore. Did I ever have one? All I do is sit around, motivation slipping in and out of my hands. Right now I don't have any goals to reach, except for finishing school. Even when I think about it, I'm not sure what I want to do. I shouldn't be so afraid to go back, but I am. Who will I become? No longer the journalist I want to be? Should I attempt to go back to RRC? It won't be the samean and probably harder since I've been gone. I'm just not sure what I want anymore.
I know I don't want to be stuck in Portage. I really do miss the city. There are more opportunities there and just more to do in general. I'd really love to be roommates with my friend Leah, we would get along really well living together. I'm really hoping after the summer I'll have a new fresh start in the city. I don't think I can handle another year staying at home. I need time to figure out things on my own and become more independent. I really do miss having my own place. All I want is a job that I love, a nice place of my own and someone to share it with. Hopefully one day I'll find it all.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
our health moves us
I'm realizing more and more everyday just how important it is to care of yourself. After finding out today that my dad had a mini stroke, it became clear that if you don't keep your health in check you don't have much to look forward to when you're older. I've never worried about someone as much as I do my dad. I would never want to have to worry my kids one day because of poor health. I'd want to be there for them as long as I could. Right now I can see my health deteriorating and its not helping me at all. I need to develop a healthy lifestyle. One that doesn't involve sitting around on the couch watching tv for hours and constantly eating. Something's gotta give.
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt running. It's a cheap and easy way of getting in shape so why not start now? I'm only working out about once a week at the moment and I know that's not enough to lose weight. The only thing I'm concerned about when I start running is my asthma, but I'm sure it won't be that bad. I think once I have a solid routine and start seeing results I'm more likely to stick with a plan.
One thing that I notice I do constantly is compare myself to others. It can be people on tv, in magazines, my best friend, my sister, or even random people on the street. In my head I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be in terms of physical fitness/shape. I don't hate my body I just know there's room for improvement. The parts of me I want to work on are: arms, legs, muffin top and a flatter tummy. Typical areas I suppose for most women. That can be seen as a good thing since there will always be workouts made to target these areas. It's not like I don't have a fitness magazine just collecting dust somewhere...
I have daydreams of being a thin healthy woman who enjoys doing yoga every morning and drinks green tea everyday. I've never actually done yoga but it is something I want to start doing. I'm also considering becoming vegetarian once I move back to the city. I've always felt strongly about not supporting animal cruelty and I think vegetarianism is a healthy lifestyle to adopt and stick with. All I know is I need to start making concrete plans to start living the kind of life I want. It starts now! :)
Tomorrow I'm going to attempt running. It's a cheap and easy way of getting in shape so why not start now? I'm only working out about once a week at the moment and I know that's not enough to lose weight. The only thing I'm concerned about when I start running is my asthma, but I'm sure it won't be that bad. I think once I have a solid routine and start seeing results I'm more likely to stick with a plan.
One thing that I notice I do constantly is compare myself to others. It can be people on tv, in magazines, my best friend, my sister, or even random people on the street. In my head I am far from perfect and far from where I want to be in terms of physical fitness/shape. I don't hate my body I just know there's room for improvement. The parts of me I want to work on are: arms, legs, muffin top and a flatter tummy. Typical areas I suppose for most women. That can be seen as a good thing since there will always be workouts made to target these areas. It's not like I don't have a fitness magazine just collecting dust somewhere...
I have daydreams of being a thin healthy woman who enjoys doing yoga every morning and drinks green tea everyday. I've never actually done yoga but it is something I want to start doing. I'm also considering becoming vegetarian once I move back to the city. I've always felt strongly about not supporting animal cruelty and I think vegetarianism is a healthy lifestyle to adopt and stick with. All I know is I need to start making concrete plans to start living the kind of life I want. It starts now! :)
Monday, June 6, 2011
my so called life
I haven't blogged in a while, I guess mainly because my computer isn't working so I'm actually writing from my new BlackBerry. Something that's been on my mind lately aside from the continuous monotony of my life is that I need to lose some weight- again. I lost a lot of weight a few months ago but quickly gained it all back. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully satisfied with my body, but then again who is? But I always say that I'm going to get in shape and I never committ. I think I need to start trying. One thing that is troublesome for me is eating healthy. I'm pretty good at sitting around and eating empty calories. It would be nice if there were healthier food choices around the house. Either way, it's time for some changes. Yeah I know, I've been saying that all summer.
Writing about this issue again makes me wonder, why are most people so unhappy with themselves? I guess most of us were raised in a society where being the best meant you were a better person. We are always striving for something more in life. Some of us get there and some of us don't. I know I'm always hoping to be better, or at least wanting a lot more out of my life. So far I don't think I've achieved enough. A lot of the time I'm not sure that I'll ever find exactly the kind of life I think I want. Maybe that's because I've been feeling a lot of self doubt lately. I don't feel good enough to myself, and maybe if I get in better shape I'll start to like myself a bit more. There are many other aspects of myself I want to work on as well, but perhaps if I start on one thing the rest will follow? There's no harm in trying anyway.
I almost feel tired writing this, like these are all words that have been spit out and regurgitated. I do wonder though if succeeding at one thing and reaching a goal will leave room for new ones in life? Logically it makes sense, but what if you never reach the initial goals? Life would get tireless and essentially you would probably give up and settle. I often get scared that I will lose sight of what's important to me and settle for a life I don't want. I think it all comes down to learning to love yourself and not forgetting to live life. You never truly know when it will be over so why waste time?
I guess that's all for now.
Writing about this issue again makes me wonder, why are most people so unhappy with themselves? I guess most of us were raised in a society where being the best meant you were a better person. We are always striving for something more in life. Some of us get there and some of us don't. I know I'm always hoping to be better, or at least wanting a lot more out of my life. So far I don't think I've achieved enough. A lot of the time I'm not sure that I'll ever find exactly the kind of life I think I want. Maybe that's because I've been feeling a lot of self doubt lately. I don't feel good enough to myself, and maybe if I get in better shape I'll start to like myself a bit more. There are many other aspects of myself I want to work on as well, but perhaps if I start on one thing the rest will follow? There's no harm in trying anyway.
I almost feel tired writing this, like these are all words that have been spit out and regurgitated. I do wonder though if succeeding at one thing and reaching a goal will leave room for new ones in life? Logically it makes sense, but what if you never reach the initial goals? Life would get tireless and essentially you would probably give up and settle. I often get scared that I will lose sight of what's important to me and settle for a life I don't want. I think it all comes down to learning to love yourself and not forgetting to live life. You never truly know when it will be over so why waste time?
I guess that's all for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)