I've been thinking recently about the last year of my life and who I am at this moment- not exactly who I want to be. I'm not sure where I should be either. It would be nice to finally be with someone, in a real relationship. I visited with a friend recently who I really wanted to be with once. Just being around him brought out feelings in me that I forgot were there. It was last summer and I was so in love with him. Those butterflies came back all too quickly. We spent so much time together, and I thought he liked me too. I wasn't enough I guess. Will I ever be enough for someone?
At the moment I don't even feel good enough for myself. I don't look the way I want and I don't feel all that happy. I just pass the days as if they don't really matter. I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore. Did I ever have one? All I do is sit around, motivation slipping in and out of my hands. Right now I don't have any goals to reach, except for finishing school. Even when I think about it, I'm not sure what I want to do. I shouldn't be so afraid to go back, but I am. Who will I become? No longer the journalist I want to be? Should I attempt to go back to RRC? It won't be the samean and probably harder since I've been gone. I'm just not sure what I want anymore.
I know I don't want to be stuck in Portage. I really do miss the city. There are more opportunities there and just more to do in general. I'd really love to be roommates with my friend Leah, we would get along really well living together. I'm really hoping after the summer I'll have a new fresh start in the city. I don't think I can handle another year staying at home. I need time to figure out things on my own and become more independent. I really do miss having my own place. All I want is a job that I love, a nice place of my own and someone to share it with. Hopefully one day I'll find it all.
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