Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Calm after the (shit) storm

I'd say I'm in a much better mood than when I last wrote. I was fuming as I typed, fingers punching the keys like they were a punching bag. I hate fighting with people about something I can't control. When the issue is in the past and you can't change it, what can you do? A whole bunch of nothing, really.

Things seem to be back to normal. Sort of. I'm sure it will just take some time. I guess if I found out something I didn't like about someone I love I would be unsettled, too. It's just really pointless in my opinion. The whole situation doesn't change who I am, I'm still the same person, though his opinion of me is probably becoming less and less. Though I would think if he really loved me none of that would matter. I shouldn't be judged or talked down to because of my past.

The past, the past the fucking past. Who cares? Why let it get in the way of things? Let go of your issues and move on. Live for today and maybe tomorrow. That's what I'm trying to do. I have things to look forward to, a new job, a new school, a new city. I don't want his negativity to hinder my growth and ability to look at things in my usually overly-optimistic manner. I know at times I'm too worry-free, but why be stressed over things when you don't have to be? Life is short, do what you want and have fun.

Aside from the fighting, things have been going pretty well here. We've developed this routine of having supper and watching Dexter on Netflix every night. We've been out with his friends once so far, which was really fun. Apart from the fact that he tried to blame it on me that we went out when we couldn't really afford it. Either way, I'm in love with downtown Vancouver. Granville street reminds me of Times Square with all the people and bright lights.

So far in comparison with Winnipeg I'd say Vancouver wins top spot for better city. For starters, it's beautiful here. Everytime I see the mountains, I'm mesmerized. I could stare at them for hours. The weather is nice, though it's mostly rain, I'd rather deal with that than below freezing temperatures. Transit is way better. Buses come at faster intervals and the skytrain is awesome. It seems everywhere is only a few minutes away. Also, there's more to do. I can't wait until summer when we can bike and go camping and hiking. Not to mention swimming in the ocean! That's one thing that will be finally checked off my bucket list.

I'm sure as the days go by things will continue to get better. I'll feel more secure once I find a job and start saving for school. I also can't wait to make our place even more of a home, buying art for the walls, an actual dresser so I don't have to live out of a suitcase and a little kitchen table so we can have a proper sit down dinner. The little things are what make life interesting. Let's hope it never gets boring.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

F$!k love.

Relationships are crazy. Apparently I forgot about all the drama they can entail. It's not pretty, nor is it any fun. What do you do when you've given up your entire life for someone you love and then once you're with them you're constantly treated like shit? Especially because that person can't deal with their issues and is too insecure to act like an adult when the situation warrants it. At the moment I don't know why I thought being with someone would be so great, 'cause I feel like the world's biggest loser right now. Is this really what love is?

Love. Well, I thought we were in love, but would the person who loves you tell you you're a piece of shit, disgusting human being if they really cared for you? Something inside tells me no. A sick, twisted part of me almost liked the idea of a drama filled, fight til' you're blue in the face type of union, but as it's actually coming into fruition, that is so not what I want or need. I've dealt with enough bullshit in my 23 years and I really don't want to deal with anymore. Grow the fuck up, get over shit and man up. I am not saying sorry for my past. It's in the past, that's where it stays, so deal with it.

I guess real life is no fairy tale, but I thought the beginnings of relationships were supposed to be fun and care-free? All I've got so far is blame, called every name in the book and yelled at for insignificant bullshit that at the end of the day doesn't even matter. I don't understand how someone can be so temperamental. I could say maybe it's because of the weed or just a lack of self confidence. I really don't know for sure, but all I do know is that I'm not going to put up with this shit for much longer.

I think I've been doing pretty good so far on my end. I clean our apartment, I cook, I'm more than considerate. I guess it all falls by the way side if I'm not holding a fucking 6-pack or a joint in my hand. Belittle me some more, I dare you. Let's see where you'll end up. I didn't expect to be treated like a piece of shit on the daily, with no sense of remorse or empathy. I guess I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it could be a hell of a lot better. I'm just really fucking sick of the snide comments and hurtful jokes that seem funny in the moment, but really cut to the core. Is this what I deserve? I haven't had luck in the past with relationships, which is why I chose to stay away from them. I don't know if this will get any better, or just continue to be what it is- a fucking pain in the ass.

I just really hope things smooth out, and stay that way. Though I doubt that will happen. I just want my life to come together. I have one year left of school and I found a program I actually like and it's here in BC, and if I can manage to save up enough and actually do it, I'll have one less thing hanging over my head. I'm sick of staying in this tiny apartment watching movies all day and night. I need to get some kind of life back. If only for the distraction from what is surely becoming my shitty reality. I guess this is where I say, “not if I can help it”. But can I? It really seems like my opinions about anything don't matter anymore. It's like I'm just here for amusement when needed. I really don't feel like this is something I can endure for much longer. I guess we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Very hopeful for Vancouver

I officially made it to Vancouver! Right now I'm sitting in the bus depot across from the McDonald's so I can use their wifi while I wait for my love to meet me. I really need a shower, sitting on the bus for over 30 hours is not ideal. But I'm here nonetheless!

Here are a couple of posts I wrote right before I left and while I was on my way here. I had to do something to pass the time.

Sunday Night:

I'm so anxious it's driving me crazy! I'm leaving for BC tomorrow night and I could not be more excited but so effing nervous! I hope everything works out but I keep thinking stupid thoughts like something will go wrong. I'm sure everything will be fine, I just wanna get there already! I miss Brock so much it's ridiculous! I can't wait to see his face and kiss him like crazy! I can't believe we get to be together everyday soon. It's really kind of surreal. I hope everything works out. I can do nothing but hope for the best at this point. I'm sure it will be amazing. I keep thinking about our place and what it's gonna be like to live with him. It's not gonna feel real until I find a job and have a real routine going. It will just be like I'm on vacation until then probably. Love that I get to wake up with him everyday. I'm so anxious I can't sleep. but the sooner I do, the sooner I get to leave.

Tuesday Afternoon:

Wow, I just went through an old journal of mine from 2010 while I was still depressed. It was really sad. I'm glad I'm doing better now. I can't believe I'm on my way to BC right now about to start a "new life" with Brock. In a thousand years I never would've guessed this would happen. I'm excited but also nervous (seems to be a trending topic) about a lot of things. For example, what if I can't find a job right away? What if I can't afford to go back to school? What if we start fighting and it doesn't work out? I know these are all just what ifs, though they come from a real place.

I cried so hard after saying goodbye to my mom. I hate goodbyes. I guess it all just hit me at once that I was actually leaving everyone behind. It's going to be a big change for me. Though I'm hoping it'll be a great one. The bus is 100 km from Calgary (written on my iPod) right now, which is about half way there. I can't wait to see the mountains! I pretty much slept through all of Saskatchewan, not much to look at. I hate staying on the bus this long. If I wasn't so poor I'd be on a plane right now.

I just hope everything works out. I miss everyone already. I wonder if I'll get homesick when I'm there? I'm sure I will. I've never been this far away from my family or friends for so long. I'm sure it will be okay. I just get nervous thinking about and being on a bus for so long does not help with the impatience. Oh well, c'est la vie.

So I survived the horrendously long bus ride, and now I wait, again at the bus depot in downtown Vancouver. If I wanted to I'm sure I could find my way to our apartment, but I need help with all my stuff, unless I took a cab which, who are we kidding, I am way too cheap to pay for. According to the translink website it's only about 30 minutes from here. I'll just wait until Brock gets here. 4 pm. About 2 and half hours to go. I'm on mountain time now! Regardless of the time, I wasn't kidding about the shower thing. I am in desperate need of one. Travelling by bus is not ideal. Sleeping wasn't easy to get used to the first night, but the second day I napped and lastnight I fell asleep rather easily. It was gorgeous looking at the mountains underneath the full moonlight. It was breathtaking. I'm sure a couple people on the bus heard me mutter "wow" to myself a few times. I could stare at them all day, I don't think it would get old to me. I am after all, a prairie girl at heart. However, my heart is in the west. I hope it stays here for a while. I really like it so far, though it's only been a few hours.