Saturday, July 13, 2013

All I wanted

I feel like nothing will do but to scream at you
Those things you say about me are so far from true
Your words are your weapon more often than your fist
But don't think I forget the times your swing didn't miss

All I wanted was a kiss

She's my light, my love, my life
Her arrival made you lose it
You couldn't help but hurt
Daddy's first kiss lingered with whiskey

All I wanted was to be happy

We are the best you can do, where else would you be?
After all we've been through
Doesn't her sweet face make you cry? Or does she look too much like me?
All I wanted was for you to try

---I haven't written poetry in a while. No doubt my life has been eventful enough full of emotion, I just haven't put pen to paper. The above is what I came up with a few minutes ago after a bout of anger. And obviously sadness still takes over.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

My New Purpose: Baby Zoée

She's finally here! Zoée Anneliese Jane Lewis-Lilley took her sweet time but joined us in the world at 9:40 a.m. on Thursday, November 8th, 2012. So much has happened since I last wrote. I had a baby! I'm a mom! My mom was here! It's all gone by so fast so far.

Zo is nearly three weeks old and the days just seem to zip on by. It was unfortunate that she was born 8 days late, since my mom came to visit on October 25th and sadly had to leave the day before I was induced. I'm so disappointed in that, but things happen I guess. It was great to have her help us move into our new place, though. She helped me organize/clean and get ready for baby which was nice. I'll be forever grateful to have such an awesome mom who knows the importance of living in a safe, secure and sanitary home. Ever since we moved, I've been constantly cleaning and organizing, just trying to keep our place clean and cozy. I think it's crucial especially when a newborn is in the house now. The least I can do for my babes is make sure she doesn't live in squalor. I know growing up I always felt better in a home that was constantly cared for and maintained. If you don't have pride in where you live, why would you live there? It just makes for better living, being comfortable in your surroundings is so important for your health, both physically and mentally.

Since having the baby it's become even more important now that I have to worry about stabilizing my hormones and warding off post-partum depression. I'm at a much higher risk than normal because I have a history of depression in my past- the last bout being only two years ago. Now is not the time to break down, and the little things really do make a difference in my moods. I find I've been crying more than normal, at silly little things. They tell me it's because of the shift in hormones and the baby blues but there's also more to it than that. I'm really trying not to be stressed out, but certain things have put me over the edge. I've had a mini panic attack the first full day the baby was home, I was just feeling so overwhelmed and without support that I started freaking out. I just assumed I would have more help than what I've been getting thus far. Apparently though I'm expected to do it all- go through nearly 24 hours of crazy labour only to have a c-section, take care of my newborn, and to top it off, clean, cook, do laundry, etc... There should be a law that states any spouse/partner is obligated to do the basic chores needed in the first few days after a woman gives birth. Isn't it what you would expect though? I really didn't think it was asking much for my dishes to be done and a possible meal be prepared ahead of time for us when we got home. Anyway, I guess if you really want shit to get done, you have to do it yourself, no matter if you've just had major surgery and went through physical hell and are majorly sleep deprived. By the sounds of it, PPD might be in my near future...though I'm trying my best to stay positive. I realize the baby picks up on my moods and whatever other negativity goes on around her. I want her to have a good start in life, not stressed out or anxious.

For the most part I'm so happy to be a mom. I'm just feeling a major lack of support from who should be my partner and my equal. Sure, financial support is important, but it's not everything, especially not emotional support. Yes, we have a roof over our head and food in the fridge...but really when shit gets tense around here and I feel like I'm alone in all of this, it's hard to see how that is enough, especially when I am talked down to and made to feel worthless. It really doesn't do much for a new mom, trying to raise a daughter who hopefully won't have to ever deal with someone like that.

I should probably stop ranting and get some sleep. Sleep should be one of my top priorities since it's become so elusive lately. I wouldn't trade it for the world though, I love motherhood and my little peanut. xoxo

Thursday, October 4, 2012

36 weeks preggers: the countdown is on!

It's finally October! I'm so excited for bebe's arrival, yet so nervous about labour! I hope everything goes well. I had a check-up today and my doctor says everything is fine. I've gained 7 pounds total so far, and the baby is facing downward, gearing up to enter the world. I wish I knew definitely what day she will be here, but at least I'm finished work now so I have time to rest up and prepare for when she does decide to join us!

I had a restless sleep lastnight as my mind was racing thinking about everything. We're basically ready for baby to get here, aside from a few little things- bathtub, baby wash, diapers and wipes. I'm just anxious wondering how it's going to be having her at home. I am constantly wondering about how I will manage as a new mom. I haven't really had much experience with tiny babies, so it's all going to be such a huge learning experience. But I guess it's like that for every new parent.

Aside from feeling a bit anxious, I'm pretty hopeful and motivated that things will go smoothly. We are in the midst of finding a bigger apartment for the three of us, which I'm hoping we find what we are looking for at a decent price. We want to stay in the same area so we will be close to certain amenities like WalMart. I can't wait to decorate the baby's room! It will be nice to have a bigger place that will fit us better than where we are now.

The only thing that's disappointing is that my sister probably won't make it down for the birth. I guess I'm just upset that she had pretty much 9 months to save up for a week long trip to see her first niece, but I guess it's not that important to her. I know I was the one who moved away from everyone, but why not try a bit harder for your family? Oh well, I guess everyone will have to wait to meet her until we can manage to go for a visit.

All that's left to do now is continue preparing for baby and make sure I stay well rested and stress-free. I can't wait for our little family to be complete!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Baby Shower, Beef Stew, and Bullshit

The first thing I think to comment on is how much cooler the weather is getting. It truly felt like an Autumn day today. The summer was seriously short and sweet. I made the perfect chilly day dinner to warm us up this evening. Beef stew and fried bannock. So hearty and delicious! I can't believe how easy it was and how well it turned out for my first stew attempt. I think it will become a staple in the months ahead.

Also, I'm looking forward to my baby shower on Sunday. It kind of feels weird to have one without my family or MB friends to share with me, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to celebrate my first baby. I think she and I deserve all the attention we can get right now. I want to savour the good moments, for I'm sure there will be many stressful 'new mom' dilemmas to deal with soon. Our friend Joelle is hosting at her new townhouse and I couldn't be happier. She is a great support. It's nice to feel I have that support living here. That brings me to the point to which I hate having to mention...

Half the time I'm always alone and lately I've been feeling way underappreciated as tensions mount and tempers flare. I'm not sure that I'll be able to handle these ridiculous arguments that at times unfortunately turn into more than what they should. I don't mind being alone but it honestly felt nice to even get out of the house to simply interact with another person today. Don't get me wrong, I interact on a daily basis at work which helps, but outside of that it's not a lot. Then when my other half is home I feel like I'm being taken for granted at times and disrespected. This is not the way I pictured my relationship to be.

 I guess I'm not totally blameless, but seriously my 'behaviour' definitely does not warrant flipping off the handle. This is not what I want nor should be dealing with in my third trimester of pregnancy. It's supposed to be as stress-free as possible, but these fights just get my blood boiling. I really hope nothing happens to cause harm to my baby. She's not even here yet and already she's subject to these undesirable situations. All I know is that when she does arrive, I cannot put up with incessant drinking, smoking and fighting. We cannot afford it either financially or emotionally. My first thought is always to 'go home'. I need not to repeat my mother's 'mistakes' in life. It almost seems that I'm living her life. She worked hard to raise us and I won't ever forget that, I just realize that things could've been a lot easier without so much stress. I want my daughter to have less to worry about than I did.

Either way, the most anyone can do in these situations, where you love someone but you don't love what they do is to hope for a change. Even saying that sounds like a lost cause. Most people never change. Why should becoming a parent make a difference? Who knows what will happen. I just know that he deserves the chance to be the best dad he can be. I want the chance for us to work as a real family. I definitely know the potential is there. Let's just pray that the desire to be the change will be there too.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Food Blogger: Another dream job

I'm obsessed with food. I'm always watching the Food Network and I'm currently eating up Masterchef. It's such a great show, I was inspired by last night's episode to make a fruit tart. So here I sit waiting for my crust to brown, watching Julie and Julia wishing I was a successful food blogger like Julia Powell.

Who wouldn't want to gain that much success doing something so joyful and delicious everyday? I'd love to pull a Julia Child and go to cooking school in France, live like the french while disregarding the size of my waistline in the process. It all sounds so dreamy, creamy and scrumptious! What a life!

Since moving in with my boyfriend I've found myself in the kitchen everyday to make us our meals. I've become quite good at the "traditional" family type meals that I never thought I could make as good as my mom does. Roasting pork is so easy, we've come up with this yummie pulled pork shepherd's pie recipe I've made a couple times now, and I've started baking quite regularly as well. Before the fruit tart, we made butter tarts for the first time. It was a nice midnight adventure that turned out really tasty. I really could see myelf getting serious about some kind of cooking career. We always talk about opening our own restaurant some day. I've always dreamed of living on top of my own bakery or cafe/book store. It would be awesome to some day actually do something that gutsy.

It may seem like a recycled hobby that so many other, and more talented people delve into, but for me food has always been a big part of my life. Both my parents are great cooks, Brock and I share the same passion for food, which is why I consider myself such an emerging foodie.

For now, all I can do is attempt my Pinterest recipes, maybe come up of some more originals, and possibly start the food blog I've always meant to pursue.

Bon Apétit!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Contemplating Motherhood

I'm a little negligent when it comes to keeping up with this blog. It's been nearly two months since my last post. I'm 25 weeks pregnant today. Time is flying by, and I'm getting nervous!

We've finally decided on a name we both like- Zooey. It means "life". It's unique and really cute so I think we're going to stick with it. I can definitely picture myself raising a little Zooey!

Though I'm really excited for the baby, I can't help but be nervous and scared at the same time. I know that's normal for all expecting parents, but I used to think I was too selfish to ever have kids. I can tell that part of me is changing already, I just really want my child to have the best life possible. Don't we all?

I'm hoping she won't have to deal with as many hardships as I did while growing up. I am going to try my hardest to finish school and get a good job to provide for us. Living off of only one full-time income and a part-time minimum wage job will not suffice while raising a daughter. I want her to be proud of me and look up to me. My dreams may not be fulfilled at the current time, but I hope one day they will be. Who knows how long it will take me to reach them, just as long as I eventually do.

I have so many ideas of what I want our future life to be, what kind of house we'll have, where I will work, the kind of parents we will be...I hope we can get to a place where everything is content and peaceful- no debt, good jobs, a nice house, etc. I'm hopeful it will all come in time. For now, all I can do is take each day as it comes and prepare for our little one's arrival.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

My first little chalupa!

I haven't written in a while, though so much has happened since I moved. First of all, I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant, about 17 weeks and 6 days. I had my first ultrasound last week. I am due on Halloween, October 31st. I'm so excited! Yet I feel I won't be prepared for all that motherhood will be bring me. I'm so excited to have a little baby in my arms in a few short months, but I am so nervous as to how I will handle everything. We are both really embracing this change in our lives though.

I finally found a job! I start at Ardene's on Saturday. It's only part-time but hopefully I can get a few more hours at other stores during the summer. I can't wait to start buying baby stuff. It's going to be so fun! Also, we are planning to buy a vehicle in the fall so we can get around with our little shrimpy. I hope to visit home for Christmas, I'll have a two month old baby with me which will be so different! I'll finally also get to meet Teisha's baby girl, too. Can't wait for my parents to see the babe too. It'll be so cool.

The only struggle I'm finding so far with being pregnant aside from morning sickness and heartburn is deciding on a name. I know we have a lot more time to decide but we can't seem to decide on ones we both like. I do not want to name my son after a football player. It does not resonate with me, and "Elway" sounds alright, but it's kind of strange as a first name. I hope he gets over that soon. My top picks for names so far are Violet, Hazel, Abigail, Madeline, Mirabelle and Lorelai for girls, and for boys I like Aiden, Holden, and Grady. I have a feeling it's a boy, only because we've been talking about it more, and in the ultrasound photo it looks like the babe has Brock's nose/mouth. But we'll see soon! I'm hoping to go for another ultrasound in a couple weeks to find out.

Things are going relatively okay otherwise. We are not fighting as much anymore, and the weather makes for a much better mood, as well as BBQ-ing. Nothing beats good BBQ on a hot sunny day!