Sunday, November 25, 2012

My New Purpose: Baby Zoée

She's finally here! Zoée Anneliese Jane Lewis-Lilley took her sweet time but joined us in the world at 9:40 a.m. on Thursday, November 8th, 2012. So much has happened since I last wrote. I had a baby! I'm a mom! My mom was here! It's all gone by so fast so far.

Zo is nearly three weeks old and the days just seem to zip on by. It was unfortunate that she was born 8 days late, since my mom came to visit on October 25th and sadly had to leave the day before I was induced. I'm so disappointed in that, but things happen I guess. It was great to have her help us move into our new place, though. She helped me organize/clean and get ready for baby which was nice. I'll be forever grateful to have such an awesome mom who knows the importance of living in a safe, secure and sanitary home. Ever since we moved, I've been constantly cleaning and organizing, just trying to keep our place clean and cozy. I think it's crucial especially when a newborn is in the house now. The least I can do for my babes is make sure she doesn't live in squalor. I know growing up I always felt better in a home that was constantly cared for and maintained. If you don't have pride in where you live, why would you live there? It just makes for better living, being comfortable in your surroundings is so important for your health, both physically and mentally.

Since having the baby it's become even more important now that I have to worry about stabilizing my hormones and warding off post-partum depression. I'm at a much higher risk than normal because I have a history of depression in my past- the last bout being only two years ago. Now is not the time to break down, and the little things really do make a difference in my moods. I find I've been crying more than normal, at silly little things. They tell me it's because of the shift in hormones and the baby blues but there's also more to it than that. I'm really trying not to be stressed out, but certain things have put me over the edge. I've had a mini panic attack the first full day the baby was home, I was just feeling so overwhelmed and without support that I started freaking out. I just assumed I would have more help than what I've been getting thus far. Apparently though I'm expected to do it all- go through nearly 24 hours of crazy labour only to have a c-section, take care of my newborn, and to top it off, clean, cook, do laundry, etc... There should be a law that states any spouse/partner is obligated to do the basic chores needed in the first few days after a woman gives birth. Isn't it what you would expect though? I really didn't think it was asking much for my dishes to be done and a possible meal be prepared ahead of time for us when we got home. Anyway, I guess if you really want shit to get done, you have to do it yourself, no matter if you've just had major surgery and went through physical hell and are majorly sleep deprived. By the sounds of it, PPD might be in my near future...though I'm trying my best to stay positive. I realize the baby picks up on my moods and whatever other negativity goes on around her. I want her to have a good start in life, not stressed out or anxious.

For the most part I'm so happy to be a mom. I'm just feeling a major lack of support from who should be my partner and my equal. Sure, financial support is important, but it's not everything, especially not emotional support. Yes, we have a roof over our head and food in the fridge...but really when shit gets tense around here and I feel like I'm alone in all of this, it's hard to see how that is enough, especially when I am talked down to and made to feel worthless. It really doesn't do much for a new mom, trying to raise a daughter who hopefully won't have to ever deal with someone like that.

I should probably stop ranting and get some sleep. Sleep should be one of my top priorities since it's become so elusive lately. I wouldn't trade it for the world though, I love motherhood and my little peanut. xoxo

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